Common Sense for the 21st Century

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Trump Trial Date Set for March 4, 2024 – 81 Million Votes Made Sure Of It

After a fair bit of grumbling from the former president’s defense attorneys, DC Judge Tanya Chutkan set Uncle Donnie’s trial date for March 4, 2024. 

Trump faces four charges of fantastical garbage associated with the Great American Rorschach Test of January 6th, 2021. His attorneys wanted to push the trial out until 2026, while Molly Gaston argued that Special Counsel Jack Smith and the rest of the taxpayer-funded government could be ready in two weeks. 

As per usual at the E. Barrett Prettyman Federal Courthouse in Washington, D.C., no cameras or photography was permitted inside, and non-corporate coverage of the proceedings was severely lacking. 

Thank goodness the Washington Post was in town because I’m told that democracy dies in darkness and stuff. 

Before the proceeding began, Brandi Buchman exercised her intuitive genius — guessing that Chutkan would push for “February or early March.”

Buchman further reported that Judge Chutkan was “wearing a bright blue blouse beneath her black robes, I spy from the collar.” The color of Judge Chutkan’s underwear remains unreported, however. 

NBC’s Ryan Reilly reported that the main point of contention is the voluminous amount of discovery material. 

While Trump’s attorneys argued that they needed until 2026 to prepare their case, the government boasted that they’d provided a roadmap for the defense in an unprecedented gesture of helpful consideration for the beleaguered former president and accused insurrectionist in chief. 

Trump’s defense attorney, John Lauro, reportedly countered Judge Chutkan’s assertion that the government is bending over backward and doing cartwheels for a fair trial.

He explained that the government was looking for a show trial.

*There is no word if Special Counsel prosecutors have yet contacted the producers of the January 6th Select Committee for direct assistance. 

After Judge Chutkan lowered the “temperature” in the room, another round of back and forth ensued — culminating in Gaston’s explanation that a trial must be held as soon as possible to prevent any mean tweets from the big, bad Orange Menace. 

Chutkan then took a ten-minute recess to probably adjust her blouse and powder her nose before returning to render her decision. As predicted by Brandi “Nostradamus” Buchman, Chutkan set trial right in the middle — between government and defense recommendations. 

Strangely enough, for a trial dealing with allegations of election interference, Chutkan’s ordered date will be right in the middle of the primary season. Surely, it’s just a coincidence. 

The internet told me this case has nothing to do with politics. The District of Columbia District Court is unbiased and fair — wise and judicious in every way. 

Eighty-one million votes made sure of it. 

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